Needing to Win

All intimate partners have conflict from time to time. When people blend their lives together, they are bound to see some situations differently and need to resolve those differences. Disagreements are stressful for everyone and, depending on how partners treat each other during conflicts, they will either bring a couple closer together or increase the emotional distance between them.

Disputes that lead to greater understanding and new perspectives can actually increase excitement and continuing discovery in a committed relationship. Romantic partners who have learned how to argue productively while maintaining respect for each other can create a new emotional universe that neither could have created alone.

In contrast, many partners fight in ways that consistently hurt their relationship. One or both become need-to-win combatants, establishing a superior position at the expense of their partner’s. As disagreements escalate, they use any behaviors and strategies they can muster...