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Understanding and Ameliorating Revenge Fantasies in Psychotherapy

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Nature of the Problem

In evaluating and treating stress response syndromes, including posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), clinicians may encounter intrusive and persistent thoughts of vengeance associated with feelings of rage at perpetrators (1 – 3) . The inciting stressors can be injuries, rape, mugging, rejection, divorce, physical abuse, insulting criticism, deliberate neglect, or betrayal of promises. Symptomatic revengefantasies go beyond normal bitter thoughts; they are unwanted, uncontrollable, dangerous, or intensely evocative of shame or guilt. Revenge fantasies also may permeate the thinking of people with paranoid traits when they feel under stress.

Revenge fantasies are common but not specific to PTSD, complicated grief, or other stress response syndromes. The patient may expect to be judged critically for such hostility and may not divulge the fantasies. Direct questions may open the door to disclosure. Revenge fantasies may even include rage at the self and lead to suicidality.

Revenge fantasies have been discussed in the literature on PTSD (1 , 4 , 5)...

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Facing Rejection: New Relationships, Broken Relationships, Shame, And Stalking.

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Abstract

This study provides a preliminary examination of the relationship among shame-proneness, emotions, and persistent, unwanted courting or pursuit behaviour. A total of 222 undergraduates completed a questionnaire measuring responses to the termination of a relationship or the declining of a date. The Test of Self-Conscious Affect was used to measure shame. Although shame was unrelated to types of intrusive behaviour, individuals who engaged more repetitively in covert pursuit tended to ruminate more over their love interest than did those who rarely engaged in such behaviour. Rumination was positively correlated with shame. Self-harm behaviours and harm toward others were associated with feelings of sadness and depression, and those who engaged more often in harm toward others also reported feelings of anger and jealousy. Conclusions are made regarding the function of shame and other emotions in intrusive behaviour and their potential relevance to treatment of stalkers....

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A Review of Sex Differences in Sexual Jealousy, Including Self-Report Data, Psychophysiological Responses, Interpersonal Violence, and Morbid Jealousy

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Abstract

The specific innate modular theory of jealousy hypothesizes that natural selection shaped sexual jealousy as a mechanism to prevent cuckoldry, and emotional jealousy as a mechanism to prevent resource loss. Therefore, men should be primarily jealous over a mate's sexual infidelity and women over a mate's emotional infidelity. Five lines of evidence have been offered as support: self report responses, psychophysiological data, domestic violence (including spousal abuse and homicide), and morbid jealousy cases. This article reviews each line of evidence and finds only one hypothetical measure consistent with the hypothesis. This, however, is contradicted by a variety of other measures (including reported reactions to real infidelity). A meta-analysis of jealousy-inspired homicides, taking into account base rates for murder, found no evidence that jealousy disproportionately motivates men to kill. The findings are discussed from a social-cognitive theoretical perspective....

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Infidelity and Incriminating E-mails

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First, let me say that I think the job of a psychiatrist is to be helpful. I want my patients to do well, in a way not dissimilar, I think, from the way someone might feel towards a brother. I am anxious that my patients not get into trouble. I will not, of course, facilitate behavior that I think is frankly illegal or plainly likely to hurt other people; but I try not to sit in judgment. Sometimes, I find myself trying to rescue my patients from the consequences of behavior that I do not necessarily condone. Infidelity falls into this category.

Infidelity causes pain and trouble in a marriage, but to a varying degree. There is an effect, for example, on the unfaithful person, himself/herself, who is thrust into a pattern of lying and deceit which undermines self-respect. There are numerous other effects on other members of the family and, for...

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Body Contact and Sexual Enticement

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Abstract

BEING HELD or cuddled may reduce anxiety, promote relaxation and a feeling of security, and provide a distinctive type of gratification. Since women are usually held or cuddled before and after coitus, they can use sex as a means of obtaining this type of body contact. But how often do they do so? And is there a correlation between the intensity of their need for body contact and the frequency with which they use sex to obtain this satisfaction? The answers to these two questions, obtained as part of a larger study on the need for body contact, will be presented in this report.

In the larger study, we found that the need to be held and cuddled, like other needs, varies in intensity from person to person and in the same person from time to time. For most women, body contact is pleasant but not indispensible. At

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The Relationship Triangle

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This is a useful way of looking at relationships, and I use this in all my work with couples both as a way of seeing where they are, but also where they need to go. It is based on the Drama Triangle, also known as the Karpman Triangle, which was developed by psychiatrist Steven Karpman in the in the early 1970's. What follows in my interpretation and expansion on Karpman's original ideas.

Begin by imagining or drawing an upside down triangle (Do it now, it will help). At the top are two letter, P on the left had side, R on the right. At the bottom, the tip of the triangle is the letter V.

The triangle represents the relationship between two people. The P, R, and V represent different roles that the people can play; it is not the people themselves, but a role.''

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Relationship Themes in Suicide Notes

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Years ago I worked in a psychiatric emergency room in a large metropolitan hospital. My job consisted of evaluating a steady stream of patients to determine whether they should be hospitalized or sent elsewhere.

I saw people in the throes of mania, psychosis and suicidal depression. I still remember the man who asked if I was a witch who would place a spell on him. And the woman who came barreling at me down the hallway, warning, “You best get out of my way, or I’m going to go Ninja Turtle on your ass!” I remember the man who swallowed six bedsprings in a suicide attempt. And countless others with bandaged wrists, bruised necks, and broken souls. I learned a lot about the breadth and depth of human suffering.

One day I was waxing philosophical about suicide with one of the charge...

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The Neuroscience of Relationship Breakups

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An unexpected and unwanted breakup can cause considerable psychological distress. You may feel as if you have been kicked in the stomach or blindsided and knocked down. Feelings of rejection and self-doubt are common, as is the feeling of being stuck and unable to let go, even when one wants to. Friends and family may push you to get over it and move on, yet brain research suggests this can be very difficult to do, at least in the first few months.

Breakups and the Brain

The research on relationship breakups in unmarried people (generally college students) gives us some clues as to why these events are so subjectively painful. Studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) brain scans show activity in several specific brain areas when rejected individuals see pictures of their ex-partners. Researcher Edward Smith, a cognitive neuroscientist at Columbia University...

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Inhibiting Self-Protection in Romantic Relationships Automatic Partner Attitudes as a Resource for Low Self-Esteem People

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Abstract

A daily diary study of married couples tested the hypothesis that automatic partner attitudes regulate self-protection for low, but not high, self-esteem people. For 14 days both partners reported trust in the other’s caring and perceived and actual rejecting and selfish behavior. On days after low self-esteem people reported less trust in their partner’s caring, those with more positive automatic partner attitudes perceived their partner to be less rejecting and selfish. They also engaged in less rejecting and selfish behavior toward their partner and their partner engaged in less selfish and rejecting behavior toward them. The current findings present the first evidence that automatic partner attitudes may help low self-esteem people inhibit the rejection sensitivity and distancing behaviors that too often undermine their relationships.

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Are Age Gap Relationships Better For Women?

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As usual when an age-gap relationship ends, the demise of the Amanda Holden-Les Dennis marriage (17 years between them) was met with a loud chorus of 'I-told-you-so'. 

It doesn't seem to matter how wise we all are to the fact that age-gap relationships are unlikely to last; there will always be plenty of couples with a generation or more between them who want to give it a go.

Perhaps most interesting at the end of the Amanda-Les partnership was how differently they reacted.

She was seen out and about with girlfriends, partying, shopping, looking radiant. He disappeared to spend time with friends, presumably to lick his wounds in private.

All this seems to indicate that age-gap relationships have very different effects on men and women.

Do the sexes expect - and get - different benefits from being...

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Memory Bias In Long-term Close Relationships: Consistency Or Improvement?

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Abstract

How do partners in long-term relationships construct memories of the past? The current study examined 20 years of retrospective and longitudinal data from a sample of wives to evaluate two possible answers to this question. Findings indicate that wives invoke different theories of the past at different stages of life. At 10 years into the study, wives’ memories of the past were negatively biased, such that present ratings seemed a significant improvement. At 20 years into the study, wives’ memories of the past continued to be negatively biased; however, at this stage, recollections of the past resembled current perceptions. Across both intervals, concurrent ratings in fact declined significantly. Longitudinal analyses revealed that the degree of bias in wives’ memories at Time 2 predicted the course of their marital satisfaction over the subsequent 10 years. These results support the view that...

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Perverse Relationships: The Perspective Of The Perpetrator.

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Abstract

The author examines the theme of perverse relationships within the couple, focusing on the question of men's maltreatment of their female partners, particularly in the psychological sense. Various aspects of the perpetrator's personality and relational style are described. The author takes as her starting point and discusses in depth the concepts of 'narcissistic perversion' (Racamier, 1992) and 'relational perversion' (Pandolfi, 1999), considered useful for understanding and identifying this type of pathology. She postulates that maltreating behaviour, in fact, originates from the encounter of particularly non-empathic relational styles which are typical of certain personalities (mainly, but not exclusively, of the narcissistic disorder) with 'perversity', that is, perversion, understood as a character trait. The author makes a distinction between 'relational perversion' and 'sado-masochistic relationship', and presents a clinical picture deriving from the analysis of a man who maltreats his companion,... . .

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Interpersonal Relationships And Irrationality As Predictors Of Life Satisfaction

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Abstract

This study examined the association among interpersonal relationships, irrational beliefs, and life satisfaction. Twenty-eight psychotherapy clients and 207 college undergraduates completed measures of interpersonal relations (Outcome Questionnaire; Lambert et al., 1996Lambert, MJ, Burlingame, GM, Umphress, V, Hansen, NB, Vermeersch, DAClouse, GC. 1996. The reliability and validity of the Outcome Questionnaire. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 3: 249–258.[Crossref], [Web of Science ®], [Google Scholar]), irrationality (Rational Behavior Inventory; Shorkey & Whiteman, 1977Shorkey, CT and Whiteman, VL. 1977. Development of the Rational Behavior Inventory: Initial validity and reliability. Educational and Psychological Measurement, 37: 527–534. [Google Scholar]), and life satisfaction (The Satisfaction with Life Scale; Diener, Emmons, Larsen, & Griffin, 1985Diener, E, Emmons, R, Larsen, R and Griffin, S. 1985. The Satisfaction with Life Scale. Journal of Personality Assessment, 49: 71–75.[Taylor & Francis Online], [Web of Science ®], [Google Scholar]). Results indicated that interpersonal...

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The Politics Of Inter-Racial Relationships In Asian America

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Last week a reader left a comment on the post about Euna Lee and Laura Ling that expressed surprise at seeing the white male husbands of Lee and Ling and noted that seeing such pairings can lead to "ANGRY ASIAN MEN."

So I wanted to talk, today, about specific inter-racial pairings, namely those of white men with Asian American women.

[Caveat: I am, for today's post, limiting my discussion to the politics of inter-racial relationships among heterosexual couples. There are dynamics and politics involved in queer inter-racial relationships, esp. among gay men with phrases like "rice queen" getting invoked to describe certain preferences/fetishization (word choice depends on where you fall in the debate) of Asian men by white men, but since the commenter was discussing ANGRY ASIAN MEN in the context of Ling and Lee's inter-racial marriages, I wanted to contain my comments to this...

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Everything You Need To Know About Long-Distance Relationships

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The Ask Men Acquire team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life.

Just a few decades ago, if you were in a long-distance relationship and wanted to talk to your significant other, the only way to do so was to make a call using a phone that was connected to a landline. Meaning, if you wanted to talk to one another, you'd actually have to be at home (or find a payphone), which required planning ahead. And if you were dealing with a time difference, you had yet another layer of difficulty to navigate when carving out time to connect.

But thanks to the technology of today, there are countless ways to stay and feel connected to your partner when you're navigating a long-distance relationship. From tagging each other in funny memes on Instagram to sending photos, texts, Face Timing...

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US Department of Stating the Obvious Declares Father-Daughter Relationships “Important”

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According to Peggy Drexler's op ed in today's Washington Post, the father-daughter relationship not only impacts women in their future relationships with men, women take their father's hypothetical approval or disapproval into account for all of their major decisions as adults as well. At our core, what we want is to be a nation of Daddy's girls. Cue the Father/Daughter dance music that makes all the wedding guests uncomfortable! (Suggestion: Butterfly Kisses)

We know that fathers play a key role in the development and choices of their daughters. But even for women whose fathers had been neglectful or abusive, I found a hunger for approval. They wanted a warm relationship with men who did not deserve any relationship at all.

Part of this need takes form early in life-when a father is a girl's portal to the world of men. I call fathers...

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